Sunday, May 3, 2015

Yelling and Miracles

On April 9th I posted on Facebook:  "Yesterday was a bad mental health day for me. But today I've managed to not yell at the kids at all so far. Not even raise my voice. Yay!"

My base mental state for the past 5 years or so has been "stressed."  Heavenly Father has taken care of us and blessed us in more ways than we deserve.  But still, the stress (influenced by lack of faith) remains.  I have ups and downs and the downs translate to taking it out on my children in the form of yelling.  I know it's not the best, most effective way to teach and parent. 

I have prayed to my Heavenly Father many times over the years pleading with Him to remove this yelling flaw from me.  I begged for help to be patient, kind, and loving. Taking out my stress on the kids isn't fair and they don't deserve it.  They deserve a better mother.  And like I said, I'd have my up days but then I always fall back down.

Then finally on April 8th I had a mental break down of sorts.  Usually how it happens it the stress builds and builds until it's all consuming.  And then I freak out, have a good cry, release it all, and then I feel a little better for a little while.  

So on this day I was being unreasonable and yelling at the kids more than usual.  And when I'm in a mood, they act up and then the situation snowballs.  No one was happy.  Thankfully Hubby was home.  At about 1pm he came up to me as I washed dishes, probably worried that I would throw a plate or something, and asked, "Honey, do you need a break?"  

I immediately said, "yes," turned off the water, grabbed my purse and shoes, and walked out the door.  I had an appointment I needed to be at in an hour.  So I sat in the drive way for a few minutes, bawled my eyes out, and prayed.  

When I did finally start driving towards my appointment, I continued to cry and pour out my whole soul to my Heavenly Father.  When I came home I felt tired, defeated, ashamed, ungrateful, and humbled.

The next day I woke up and I didn't yell at the kids.  I woke up the next day and didn't yell at them. Here we are a month later, and still I haven't yelled at the kids at all since.

I can't yell at them.  I'm weirdly physically incapable anymore.  It's a miracle.  Even if I'm shouting across the house to call them to dinner, I can't yell as loud or as intensely as I used to.  I don't know if this makes sense, but it's like something is restraining my voice.  

The change isn't because of my own will power.  And it's definitely not because the kids are perfect.  They've still needed discipline.  But discipline can be done calmly and with love.  Or at least without rage.

One of the most interesting things about this for me is that the focus of my prayers this time wasn't even about asking for help to stop yelling.  Sure, it was included in my pleas, but it wasn't a main focus as it has been in the past.

I don't want this to sound braggy at all.  That's not what I'm doing.  I just feel like I would be a truly unprofitable servant (more so than usual) if I didn't publicly thank God and witness of His power.

It reminds me of when I've talked to alcoholics.  Some have said, "I threw away that last bottle of beer and then never had the desire to touch the stuff again."  But then some struggle with it for the rest of their lives, taking it "one day at a time."  

We don't know why God gives us the challenges He does.  We don't know why He blesses us in the ways He does.  But I have a testimony that He knows all of us.  He knows what we need to experience.  He knows what we need to learn.  He knows how we need to learn it.  

I know that Heavenly Father knows and loves me.  I know that He knows and loves my children.  I am so grateful for that knowledge and that He has seen fit to bless my family the ways He has.  

Links from above:
Alma 19:33
Mosiah 2:21
D&C 121:43

No comments:

Post a Comment