I Stopped Dreaming

When I was a kid, my mom would frequently talk about her "Sky Castles."  These were dreams she had for improvements on the house.  An in-ground pool.  A second living room (the "add on.")  Turning the covered patio into a big bedroom with a second story loft area.

Those first two Sky Castles were realized before I was a teenager, but not until after many years of dreaming, planning, discussion, and saving.  And now that five of her nine children have moved out of the house, there isn't much need anymore for that third wish.  I'm actually not sure if she still talks about it.  Though I'm sure she has some other Sky Castle in her mind.

So I guess you could say that my mom taught me to dream big.  But somewhere along the way, dreaming became painful for me.

When Hubby and I were first married, we would talk constantly about our future house.  We would read or hear about something cool and turn to each other and say, "Can we have that in our castle?"  An indoor swimming pool.  An intercom system in every room so we don't have to shout at each other to come for dinner.  A slide from the top stories to the ground floor.  A mall-type food court in the basement.

Some of the features of our castle were just ridiculous and of course we would never be that rich. But it was always fun to talk about and dream.

But then financial difficulty hit.  We watched our savings account start to drain.  I would watch our 3 little ones play in our 2 bedroom apartment and just cry and cry that we would never be able to afford anything better.  I was insufferable with all my whining and ingratitude.  All that savings was supposed to be a down payment on a house!  And now it was gone and I could not see the future.  Would we ever have a sufficient income again?

And so I stopped talking about the castle.  It would just remind me how poor we were.  I can't imagine living in a castle when I can't even afford food.  It's too painful.

It's clear that for the past 8 years Heavenly Father has been trying to teach me to have faith and patience.  Some days are better than others.  But I definitely have significantly more positive days than I used to.  I'm not perfect, though I'm making progress.

Now I can finally see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Hubby has completed all of his schooling and takes as many substitute teacher hours as he can.

And yet I still fear for the future.  There's still too much uncertainty.  Until I feel secure, I still can't bring myself to dream.

I don't dream but I do hope that the future will be better.